Cornell case sparks parenting conversations about when and how to teach kids consent
Allegations of sexual assault against members of a Cornell University fraternity have sparked a wider conversation among parents about consent, peer pressure and more.
Prosecutors in upstate New York announced this week that they are reopening an investigation into an alleged 2024 sexual assault after a former Cornell student filed a civil lawsuit alleging she was drugged, assaulted and gang raped by seven former and current members of the Chi Phi fraternity. None of the individuals allegedly involved faced criminal charges following the initial investigation.
Tompkins County District Attorney Matthew Van Houten has defended the decision not to prosecute the case in 2024, saying the information available to his office at the time did not support bringing criminal charges.
An attorney for one defendant has denied the allegation. Another defendant has denied engaging in sexual activity or drug use and says he was not found responsible by Cornell for either activity. A third defendant, through his attorney, denies sexually assaulting Jane Doe and argues the public allegations do not tell "the whole story."
The case is now expected to go before a grand jury this fall.
Jamie Davis Smith, a Washington, D.C., mother of four, told ABC News that seeing the case in the news has sparked conversations in her home.
"We really need to sit our son down and our daughter and discuss that this happened," Smith told ABC News of her reaction.
According to Dr. Dave Anderson, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, conversations at home should consider their child's age, what they've already been exposed to and whether they are asking questions.
Anderson told ABC that he recommends parents "be calm and curious" and first find out what their child knows and what they're thinking.
Allowing adolescents to explore questions about what they may do in difficult situations can help them think through their own values and how they might respond, Anderson said.
For younger children, parents don't necessarily need to introduce real-life allegations to begin teaching the lessons at the center of the larger conversation.
Consent lessons can start long before college
Anderson said parents can begin teaching the foundations of consent in elementary school through everyday interactions involving body boundaries and personal space.
That might mean teaching children to ask before hugging someone, and respecting the answer if the other child doesn't want a hug, according to Anderson.
"We want kids to be thinking about how they respect those boundaries," Anderson said.
Parents can also help children learn to recognize social cues. For example, Anderson said kids can begin noticing whether a friend seems excited and comfortable interacting with them or whether their body language and behavior suggest they may be uncomfortable.
"We want kids to be thinking about watching for cues," Anderson said. "This is also a lot of interpersonal skills that kids learn at early ages that show that someone is really excited to interact with you or excited to be around you. And then also to watch for cues when someone might be feeling really uncomfortable.
As kids get older, get more specific
For teenagers, experts say those conversations should evolve to include dating, sexual activity and the potential impact of drugs or alcohol on someone's ability to consent.
With her 18-year-old son, Smith said she talks directly about getting consent and respecting other people’s decisions.
Sarah Murnen, a professor of psychology at Kenyon College, said parents should help teens understand not only when consent cannot be given, but what affirmative consent looks like. In addition, parents should also discuss with their children that laws around consent and how it is defined vary by state.
"Consent, of course, is very crucial to talk about. When somebody is incapacitated, they can't consent," Murnen told ABC News. "And consent should just be the baseline. People involved should eagerly want whatever activity is taking place, and they should be able to consent in person and be able to talk about it."
But Anderson stressed that parents shouldn't save all of this information for one big conversation before a child starts dating or heads to college.
"It's better to have 60 one-minute conversations than just to have one 60-minute conversation," he said. "There's not just one talk."
Murnen similarly said those discussions should be "habitual, brief, casual conversations" about sex, relationships and feelings.
Teach kids what to do when someone else is in danger
The conversations prompted by the Cornell allegations also raise another question for parents: What should young people do if they witness someone else's boundaries potentially being violated?
Anderson said adolescence is a period of "identity formation and belonging" that can make challenging friends difficult.
When someone is potentially being bullied, assaulted or otherwise harmed, Anderson said parents should teach kids to think of themselves as "upstanders, not bystanders."
One way to prepare them is to rehearse possible situations before they happen. If a teen says they would simply leave a situation that made them uncomfortable, Anderson recommends continuing the conversation.
"We want the answer to get more toward, 'I would tell someone, I would call 911, I would intervene,'" he said.
Parents can also help their child identify safe ways to get an adult, contact authorities or otherwise seek help, according to Anderson.
For parents who feel pressure to say exactly the right thing, Anderson said parents can "do it imperfectly” and keep returning to the conversation again as their children grow up.
"Parents don't have to know everything," he said. "They just need to be conduits of good information."
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